If You Give a Guy a Boyfriend
by madame of music
Summary: Rose was stupid, and John Egbert would never like you back. Ever.
1. Chapter 1

"No that's stupid. You're stupid." You say, tossing a piece of crust at Rose, who was seated across from you.  
"Aw come on Davey! You could get him if you tried!" Her older sister Roxy grinned at you, as she played with your older brother's hair. He batted at her hands half heartedly.  
"Ro, leave him alone. If he wants to be a little pussy then let him." Dirk grunted, giving up and letting the older Lalonde do whatever she wanted.  
You sigh. "I don't think you guys get it. John Egbert is way too mainstream for me. I can't date a guy like that. He'd totes ruin my image." You say, only partially kidding.  
Rose scoffed. "Your image Strider? And what's that? A scarfed up douche with fake glasses straight from the early fifties? Pretend Egbert is your jock."  
Your eyes narrowed behind your frames. "Least I'm not some fashionless nerd. Nice kitty sweater, by the way. Definitely fits the twelve look you seem to be goin for."  
Dirk snickered, and Roxy rolled her eyes, stepping between you two. "Guys, guys, stop." She said, more fondly exasperated than anything. They were used to and Rose's bitch fights by now.  
Both of you nodded, and you stuck your hand out to her. "Truce?" You said, smirk playing against your lips.  
She arched a blonde eyebrow, reaching her own hand out to meet yours. "Very we-"  
"Psych." You said, taking the hand and running it through your hair, grinning at Rose.  
"You have the mentality of a five year old Strider." She said, chuckling lightly.  
You ruffled her hair as you got up, knowing she hated it. "But you love me for it Lalonde." You said, throwing your messenger bag over your shoulder. You stuffed your hands in your pockets, and walked to your next class. History.  
There was still a good five or six minutes left of lunch, but if you got there early, you could get the seat in the back row, behind Egbert and you henceforth would be able to stare at him as much as you wanted. You fully admitted Egbert was hot. Broad chest, square jaw, made all the ladies go crazy, no doubt.  
Unfortunately, as far as you could tell, he wasn't gay.  
(Not that you had talked to him.)  
(No you weren't scared, no matter what Rose said.)  
But still, staring at Egbert was way better than learning about Champlain or whatever.  
"Hey! Dave!" A voice called out to you. Sweet, and peppered with innocent cuteness.  
"Hey." You said, turning to the girl. Jane Crocker, Roxy's kinda sorta something, and head cheerleader to be. "Sup Crocker?"  
Also one of the only popular kids to talk to you.  
Okay, so maybe the only, but whatever.  
(It needed to be stated at this time that not even the other hipster in their group would talk to you.)  
(You guys could shares scarves or something, you dunno.)  
"Hey Dave! Could you give this to Rox for me?" She stuck out a piece of paper, scrawled with the word Roxy on top in cotton candy blue.  
You took it, with a small smile and an arch of your brow. "Love letter Crocker?"  
She flushed. "N-no! Nothing of the sort! Just give it to her, please?" She asked, rolling on the balls of her feet and biting at her lip.  
You grinned, and nodded. "Sure thing Crocker." You started to walk to class once more, and waved a hand in acknowledgement as she called after you.  
"Thanks Dave! And don't read it!"

Well shit. Your little chat with Jane put you in class just before the bell. Your normal seat in the back corner was taken, and surprisingly enough the only seats open were the front and centre seats, or the one right next to Egbert.  
Egbert.  
John Egbert.  
Hoooly shiiiit.  
This opportunity was too good to miss out on.  
You slid into the seat, and tensed. You tapped your fingers against the dusk, waiting for him to notice. It took until the teacher started calling names for him to even turn around from where he had been messing around with some fringe popular you had been in a few classes with, yet still didn't know the name of. Carter? Caron? Something weird.  
Even when he turned around, he still didn't realise you weren't in your normal spot. "Notice me Sempai." You mumbled under your breath, smirking. Your weeaboo of an older brother would like that one.  
Finally, the teacher told everyone to turn to their partners and discuss some Roman Emperor or something. You didn't pay enough attention to care. The only cool emperor was that Nero guy. Standing and playing violin as his city burned down? Preeetty badass.  
He turned to you, expecting Jade, who must have been sick or something, not that you cared much. His eyes lit up (with what, you dared not say. Joy, you hoped, but probably recognition. Why would a guy like him be excited to sit next to a hipster douche like you?)  
He stuck out his hand. "John Egbert. I doubt you know me." He said, flashing you his signature grin.  
You took the proffered appendage, giving it a shake, and hoping your palm wasn't too sweaty. "Yo." You cracked out, wincing at the slight shake in your voice. What the hell Strider, pull it together man.  
He laughed, releasing your hand. "Strider, right? Dave Strider?"  
He knew your name? Damn. "Uh, yeah. Strider, that's me." You said, nodding your head.  
"Cool." He grinned at you. "So then, Strider, what's your favourite part of the crusades?"  
Crusades? Last time you had checked in, you were studying Rome. But honestly, you wouldn't be shocked if you had tuned out a few hundred years. Whatever though. "I dunno. TBH Egbert, I haven't really paid much attention this year." You said, shrugging.  
He laughed. "Fair enough. Can I tell you my favourite part? But you have to promise not to think less of me."  
"Sure. Have it at dude." You said, gesturing for him to continue.  
"Well, I happen to like the Children's Crusade the most." He said, grinning mischievously.  
Children's Crusade? Wait, you knew this one. "Isn't that where they sent children to war?" You asked, smirking. "You like dead children Egbert?"  
He shook his head, chuckling. "Not at all. But the fact that they thought they'd win a war with a bunch of children amuses me to no end." His voice held a lilt, a hint of an accent that he must have picked up from his ever enigmatic cousin, Jake English.  
(Who was totally in love with your older brother Dirk. There was no denying it.)  
(You bet money with the Lalondes that Dirk liked him back.)  
(No biggie.)  
You laughed as well. "That is pretty du-"  
"Ugh John, why are you talking to the weird hipster kid?" You heard Jade Harley's patented whine filter through the white noise of the classroom. Apparently Harley had been a little late to class, and from her stance, she fully expected her seat back. Like hell you were going to give up this prime real estate though.  
You glared at her, stare potent through your square frames. "Hey Harley. Your hair looks different today. Did your mom finally grow out enough pubic hair to make another wig?" You chimed in a sickly sweet voice. And, if that wasn't snorting at your little jibe, you were losing your hearing.  
You and Jade had dated in eighth grade, back when she was nice and not abso-fucking-lutely insane. She dumped you the day before ninth grade, because she didn't want you "ruining her image." The next day she came to school, and fell right in line with the other douche bags of the school. It had been an all out war since then. No one says Dave Strider ruins their image and gets away with it.  
"Whatever Dave. At least I dress like I live in this era." Oh fuck no. Jade Harley did NOT just insult your clothing.  
You leaned back in your chair, looking the picture of perfect nonchalance. "So Harley. What went wrong with you to make you such an absolute bitch? Did daddy not love you enough?"  
Her jaw dropped, ad her thin eyebrows pulled together. She looked positively enraged, with only widened your smirk. "Shut the fuck up Strider. At least I have a dad."  
You slammed your chair down, jumping to your feet, hands balled at your sides into tight fists. You fully intended on slapping that little fucking ho in the face, before you felt a hand jerk you back into your seat.  
"Cool it guys. Jade, go sit somewhere else." John said, giving her a pointed look.  
She seemed like she was about to argue with him, but thought better of it, turning and tossing her hair. "Whatever John. Have fun with your boyfriend." She said, flouncing across the classroom and seating herself next to the resident nerd. Apparently she didn't stay mad for long, having already draped herself over him, probably flirting herself into free homework.  
His laugh pulled you out of your disgusted sneer. "So I'm never going to hear the end of that. You're lucky I like you Strider." He said, finally releasing the corner of your t-shirt.  
"Sorry." You mumbled, folding your hands in your lap and averting your eyes. It finally clicked about how much of a fool you must have looked just now, arguing with his cousin like a petulant child. Way to embarrass yourself, you though, sighing.  
He leaned, resting his elbow on the table as he lowered his voice to a volume just low enough for you only to hear, punctuating it with a small smirk. "To be honest, I get kind of done with her shit. I don't blame you for calling her out. She needs to be knocked down a few pegs."  
You nodded, smiling hesitantly. "Okay." You said, turning back to the desk. God, did he make nervous.  
"Hey uh, Strider?" He said, poking you in the arm. "Um, would you like to go out for a movie or something some time?"  
Your head snapped up, and your eyes met his. His cheeks were tinged rosy, and he looked about as nervous as you felt. "Sure. Yeah." You grinned.  
"Cool. How does Friday at seven sound?" He asked, smiling widely and sighing in... Relief?  
"Yeah. Sounds good." You tore out a piece of paper from your binder, and wrote down your address, and your cell number. "There's where you can pick me up, and my number if you get lost." You said, sliding it over to him.  
He gave it a once-over, before folding it up and putting it in his shirt pocket. "Cool."  
"Yeah." You said. Before you could say anything else (probably something embarrassing), the teacher called on you.  
"Mr. Strider. Since you seem so intent on talking after I've begun to lecture, can you tell me what your partner and yourself agreed on?"  
You hadn't heard him start up the lecture. Oh well. "We agreed that we like the Children's Crusade the most."  
The teacher's eyes narrowed, and a few snickers went around the room. "Very well Mr. Strider, but the crusades won't come for a few hundred more years."  
"Oh." You mumbled, as the rest of the class began to laugh more. You looked at Egbert out of the corner of your eye, and he shrugged, flashing you a cheeky wink.  
You couldn't help but smirk. He had known you weren't paying attention, the bastard. Pretty sly though. Ten points to Egbert, you thought.

* * *

A/N: Why am I starting another chapter story? The world may never know.  
Okay and also don't expect regular updates from me, at least while I'm still working on HtbaH. This should just be a few chapters, but when I first started this I thought it would be a one shot so oh well.  
He is literally so full of himself. Dave Strider: Ultimate Douche bag. Good thing this is Douchestuck, eh?

EDIT: My furend pointed out some typos so I fixed them okay enjoy now.


	2. Chapter 2

Dave Strider was way too cool for you, you decided, bolting out of your history class. What did you think you were doing, asking him out?

You don't even know happened though. You were talking to Karkat about prom (which was really him telling you that you needed to get a date. It's not for 7 more months Karkat, come on dude. Not all of us have girlfriends), and when you turned around, instead of Jade there was Strider.

Dave Strider.

The guy you had been crushing on since seventh grade, when he was still considered cool, and you were the short, chubby nerd everyone came to for homework. You had talked to him maybe twice before, not including the few words you spoke to him maybe twice before, not including the few words you spoke to him when passing papers behind you.

Long story short, Dave Strider had just agreed to go out on a date with you, and gave you his number, which you pulled out of your pocket and put immediately into your phone.

"Oi, Johnny ol' boy!" You felt a hand clap onto your shoulder.

You turned around with a grin. "Jake!" You exclaimed, laughing and meeting his hand in the complex handshake you two shared.

"Hey cousin! You look happy. What's up?" He asked, dropping his arm as you two wordlessly began to walk to your next class, an Introduction to Art you shared.

You shrugged, adjusting the straps of your bag as you tried to hide the silly grin that had decided to take up temporary residence on your face. "Dunno."

He poked your side. "C'mon John. Tell me. S'it anythin to do with Strider?"

You nodded. "You got me Jake. I asked him on a date."

"He said yes then I assume?"

You nodded turning down the arts hallway, and raising a hand to Jane as you two passed her.

He clapped you on the back, laughing loudly. "Jolly great man! When is it?"

"Friday, at seven. We're going to a movie." You let the grin show its full potential, slight overbite, that long ago had tried being corrected by braces peeking out over your lip.

Jake bumped you with his shoulder. "Well congrats Egbert. Lord only knows you've been crushing on the guy long enough."

You guys entered the classroom, and he flashed you one last grin before parting ways to go sit by his sort of something, Dirk Strider, Dave's older brother. You sat a few tables behind him, near Terezi. You didn't really know her much, but appreciated the fact that she didn't bother you very much when you were trying to draw.

Today, however, must have been a different story. As soon as you sat down, her head snapped up, and she leered at you. "Hello Egbert." She said, resting her chin on her hand as she watched you sit down.

"Uh, hey." You said, slinging your bag onto the floor and dropping onto the small stool. "Whatcha need?"

She laughed. "I don't want anything, besides perhaps a confirmation of something?"

You were confused. "Uh... What?"

"I heard you liked a certain Dave Strider?" She said, teal tipped fingers tapping against her jaw, dropping a rhythm against the tense air.

You paled. How the fuck did she find out? Jake and you hadn't been talking all that loud, and more importantly what would she do with the information? What could this chick want?

She laughed. "Don't bother denying it not. Your body language gives you away." She scooted closer and lowered her voice, leaning in towards you. "All I want to say, Egbert, is that I know how your kind is."

You raised an eyebrow. "My ki-"

"Don't interrupt. You're a douchebag, and I don't think I like you. But Dave does, and no matter how hard our dearest friend tried to hide it, he does have feelings." You really couldn't disagree with her there. You could be kind of a douche bag, and she was right for looking out for her friend, you supposed. But that didn't mean her statement didn't sting.

She leaned back, arching her fingers and speaking on a normal tone once more. "So, be gentle with him, or I won't be with you."

With one last cackle, she pulled out her sketchbook, and began the warm-up drawing of the day. All wiry tension that had built up in your body came out in an exhale.

"Shit." You mumbled, pulling out your own book and doodling mindlessly. Any focus you might have had previously was now gone, you noted.

Although, you did gain a new respect for Terezi. She could really scare a guy if she set her mind to it.

Your name is Dave Strider, and this has been the greatest day of your life. John Egbert, school hottie and the name scrawled on every stall in the girl's bathroom (don't ask how you knew that). asked you out. The very same you had been been harbouring a crush on.

You dropped your bag on the floor of your room, and danced around, pumping your fists in the air.

"What's got your panties in a twist?" A voice drawled from the entryway. You flipped around, almost knocking your bedside lamp onto the floor with the speed you moved.

Your eyebrows furrowed behind your overly large frames. "It isn't nice to come into people's rooms without knocking Dirk." You said, folding your arms and glaring at your older brother.

He knocked on the door frame. "I'm coming in." He said, not actually moving anywhere. "Besides, you're the one who left your door wide open." He said.

"Oh." You replied, feeling embarrassed. Who knows what he could have caught you doing in your happy dance. "Anyway, what did you need?"

"Roxy and Rose found out their mom was going to be in town tonight, so they're eating with her instead of coming over here."

"Oh man." You whined. "But it's movie night. They can't just break tradition."

Dirk rolled his eyes. "Don't be a child Dave. They'll be in Skype later." He said pushing off the doorjamb and walking down the hall.

You followed him, careful to close your door this time.

"Y'know Dave," He said in front of you, trotting down the stairs. "You never told me why you were dancin around."

"Oh." You muttered. "Egbert asked me out on a date." Dirk stopped, causing you to bump into him.

He flipped around, and enveloped you in a hug. "Congrats little bro." He said, voice muffled to your ears as he pressed you into his chest.

You shoved him away, sticking out your tongue at him. "Shut up bro! It's not that big of a deal!"

He sniffed, wiping away an invisible tear. "Why, just yesterday you were playing in the sandbox. Now look at you."

"Shut _up_ dude! You're only a year older!"

Dirk grinned and nudged your shoulder. "C'mon man. Let's order some celebratory pizza."

"Fuck you Dirk!"

He laughed, gunning down your last ship. "Not my fault you're shit at video games dude." He said, picking up another slice of pizza and taking a bite.

You threw the controller on the table, with a sigh of frustration, and popped open another can of Mountain Dew, gulping it down. "Whatever." You said, wiping at your mouth. "I'm not shit. I'd be better if I played more, but I don't waste my time like you."

He punched you in the shoulder. "Whatever weenie."

Just as you were about to punch him back, the laptop on the table beeped. You grabbed it, and opened it up. "Roxy." You said, handing it over to Dirk.

He accepted the call, grinning into the web cam. "Hey Rolal."

"Dirky!" You could hear her voice slur through the speakers of the orange laptop. She sounded drunk, which never bode well.

You decided to go get ready for bed while they talked. You bounded up the stairs and into your room. You tugged off your shirt and jeans, and threw on your pyjamas. As you began to meet your brother back downstairs, you spied a piece of paper on the floor, hidden beneath the denim of your jeans.

Oh yeah. Roxy's note from Jane. You picked it up and jogged back downstairs. "Hey Rox." You called, plopping on the couch next to Dirk.

"Oh hey Davey! What's up little man?" She asked, using the name Dirk referred to you by.

You held up the note between two fingers. "Got a note from Jane for you."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Well read it out Dave! Don't keep a girl waitin'."

You chuckled, and settled back on the couch, well within her view. You began to slowly unfold the piece of paper, taking your time to flatten out every wrinkle as you went, strictly just to piss Roxy off.

When you finally got it open, you scanned it over. It was what seemed like a user name, and a heart, with Jane's... Phone number? Huh.

"Ugh, Daaaaave hurry up! What did Janey put already?" Roxy whined.

You leaned away from Dirk's prying eyes, and clicked your tongue. "Tsk, tsk Roxy. Such dirty things our dear old Jane Crocker has written. My poor virgin eyes." You said, slight smirk playing against your lips.

"Virgin my ass." Dirk muttered under his breath, snatching the note from your hands and sending you a questioning look.

"Play along." You mouthed, winking at him.

He nodded, and turned his gaze back to the screen. "Wow Rolal, can she really bend that way?"

"Bend what way? What are you talking about Strider?" She asked, brow furrowing in confusion.

"I didn't even know there was more than one way to do that." You said after him, pointing at a blank spot on the page.

Roxy flushed. "Lemme see! What's she write?" She whined, leaning closer to her cam, as if she would be able to see the paper.

You and Dirk looked at each other, and then promptly burst into laughter. You leaned on one another, gasping for breath. Roxy looked confused.

"S-sorry Rolal." Dirk said, trying not to laugh more.

"Yeah." You said, flipping the paper around so she could see. "S'nothing but a number and a username."

She puffed her cheeks out, glaring at both of you. "You guys are jerks." She said, pulling put her phone and copying the number down.

"Sorry." You chorused,neither of you looking very sorry at all.

"Whateva." She said, grinning at you two. "Think she likes me?"

Dirk snatched the paper from your grasp once more. "If the heart is anything to go by," He said, moving the scrap to show the small, cotton candy coloured heart on the cam. "I'd say she does."

She grinned once more, pumping her fist in the air. "Sweet!"

Dirk nudged your side. "Tell her." He muttered, nodding in the direction of the ecstatic girl.

"Oh, yeah." You said. "Hey Rox, guess what?"

"yeah Davey?" She stopped her dance, looking at you with curiosity.

"Egbert asked me out today." You said, acting as is this was something that happened every day.

"What? No way! You go Davey!" She said, cheering for you. "When are you goin out with him?"

"Friday. We're goin to the movies." You said, flashing her a lazy grin.

"Well, Rosie and I will have to come over beforehand. Gotta make sure Davey is ready for his date, right Distri?" She looked at your brother, and he nodded in agreement.

"Most definitely." He complied.

You rolled your eyes. "Okay fine, but nothing too crazy, alright? It's just a date."

"We promise." Rose said, popping up from behind Roxy. She turned to her sister. "Mother is leaving Roxy. Come say goodbye." She said, waving a goodbye to you two, before walking out of the screen.

Roxy stuck out her tongue. "Alright, well that's my cue you guys." She said, waving bye as well.

"Bye Rox. See you tomorrow." Dirk said, before ending the call. "I think it might be time for us to turn in too." He said, picking up your plates and tossing the discarded crust into the empty box.

"Okay. Night Bro." You said, standing and returning to your room.

"Night Dave." You heard hims ay from the top of the landing.

You flopped onto your bed, suddenly way more tired than you thought. Just as you began to drift off, your phone buzzed.

FROM: UNKNOWN NUMBER

MESSAGE CONTENT: hey strider, just making sure we're still on for friday?

You stared at your phone, and the number you didn't recognise. It buzzed once more, with the same number.

FROM: UNKNOWN NUMBER

MESSAGE CONTENT: this is john by the way.

You laughed. "Figured." You mumbled, saving the number to your contacts, before texting him back

TO: JOHN EGBERT

MESSAGE CONTENT: yeah man were still on see you then

You closed your phone, throwing it on your pillow. You folded up your glasses and set them on your bedside table. You heard your phone buzz once more, and you smiled at the message.

FROM: JOHN EGBERT

MESSAGE CONTENT: cool! night 3

You texted back quickly, and then turned your phone off. That was a heart, from Egbert, and quite possibly the best end to a great day.

TO: JOHN EGBERT

MESSAGE CONTENT: yeah night 3

* * *

A/N: Holy fuck my hands hurt. This was 14 pages in my journal and I typed it  
y  
I've had it written for almost 3 weeks now I am so sorry  
Okay sorry this is so long enjoy my wonderful readers thank you for all of your favourites and follows and reviews and goddamn you guys rock


	3. Author's Note

A/N: Hello my lovely readers

This story will be deleted soon, and not to any of my doing.

This is also the last straw for me, and I am just about done with this website.

This story, along with any of my others, will be hosted on AO3 from now on. Thank you for your time, and if you wish to know the exact reasons, you can find me at my tumblr (madameofmusic)

My AO3 is also madameofmusic

Thank you so very much, I love you all, and I hope anyone who sees this message before its imminent deletion will still read over at AO3.

Thanks!


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